A recurrent dream

Rather than post a cap in this entry, I am going to describe a recurring dream that I began to have when I was about eight or nine years old.  Don’t worry too much – I’ll post my next cap sooner than later, but I figure posting fantasies will provide a fairly twisted view of my personality.  And after all, what’s the point of blogging if not to let people in on these kinds of things?

It starts with me, lying naked on my back in a dark room.  As my awareness increases, I can see images around me growing more distinct.  Once the images become clear, I realize it’s all of my female peers (the first time through, it was my grade school classmates) looking on. 

I am filled with the knowledge of the situation: that I can lay there still under their scrutiny for however long I can bear to do so; however, if I try to move, I will be in some way feminized.  Of course, I feel ashamed of my male body, and try to move anyway.  Immediately, a girl steps forward (invariably whichever one I have the most attraction to at the time of the dream) and applies lipstick to my face, and I begin transforming into a girl. When I try to move again, to escape the changes, the girls approach and place me in a pretty dress.  I know then that I am a girl, just like them and can leave the room with them.

I then wake up.

As I have gotten older, the dream has changed in subtle ways.  Because the first time I had the dream, I was more or less ignorant about most of the actual differences between male and female, the simple symbols of lipstick and a dress were the extent of the process which made me a “girl.”  Eventually, more detailed makeovers occurred, including eyebrow plucking, blush, foundations, complete eye makeup etc.  The dressing also became more complete, with lingerie, stockings and such. When I hit puberty, the physical changes of sex organs became part of the dream as well.

To this day, I still have this dream on occasion.  I recognize it as the same dream, even if the women in it have changed, and the content has far exceeded the original iteration. 

One wonders what Freud might say…